i have been feeling sexy as of late. i’m not sure whether to attribute that to the upswing, haircut, time outside, or exercise. probably all of them. but it’s nice to feel good in my own skin! it’s nice to wear outfits i like to look at. it’s nice to enjoy looking at myself. there is, of course, some ego involved in a way that is maybe… superficial? the reality is, i do care about what people think of me. but i think oftentimes we confuse attention towards outwards appearance as a compensation mechanism. for me, what i’m feeling very fortunate about, is that i don’t think it’s compensation. i think it’s more like, filling into life completely.
this is for sure a projection of my own self-conscious, but sometimes i wonder if people think the art-house vibe i have going on is performative. i wonder to myself, then—am i manufactured? is my vibe real? i can’t help but find doubt (and for the record that doubt is maybe one of my best traits, as it keeps me always learning).
but then I do the math and I come to the conclusion that no—the fact i’m reading a 14”x10.5” alfred stiegletz x georgia o’keefe nude collection on the bus originates from a wholly intrinsic place. this is just the person i am! i am art house, as pretentious as that sounds. i went to a used book store, had a 45-min conversation with the owner about social media, generational divide, and community—and then decided that it was worth the $50 to own this piece. and i’ve learned so much about the pair; i didn’t realize how closely intertwined their careers were. hearing about stieglitz from o’keefe’s perspective surprisingly reminded me of myself, both in the good and the bad. and the photos, let me tell you, the photos—they are simple divine. the way he poses o’keefe, and the way o’keefe poses—the way her form fills the frame—it’s something special. it’s something that can only come out of truly deep connection. it is so, so evident that she was his muse. i find that very inspiring, and hope one day to find my Muse. anyways, life is good, and i love myself—and it’s not because i’m in an upswing (although that helps)—it’s because i’ve put in the work and i can experience how good it is to be alive
Song of the day:
What Once Was by Her’s (may they rest in peace. i’ve been listening to them a lot lately. i feel like crying when i listen to this song)